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I think we could all agree that we could stick to a plan and accomplish tasks if we knew with 100% certainty that we’d get our desired results. In other words, if we knew the plan was the answer to our problems. We gain confidence when we put ourselves in situations that are uncomfortable, but we live to tell about it. You don’t actually have to achieve goals to be confident, but it certainly helps.
It’s very difficult to have the gumption to do things when you don’t have the confidence to do it. So, it’s a cycle that doesn’t end. Do you identify as the kind of woman who can never finish anything? Or only finishes things when someone else is benefitting from it? But when it comes to yourself you have a hard time doing the damn thing.
This reminds me of Mr. Ronda. He’s 43 and his eyes are going bad. He talks a lot about how bad his vision is getting. For example, if we’re watching baseball. And by that, I mean he’s watching baseball and I’m sitting there doing something else. He’ll ask me what inning it is because he can’t read it on the screen. He won’t go to the eye doctor even though he’s telling me all of the time that his eyes are bad. Want to know why Mr. Ronda won’t go to the eye doctor? Because he identifies as the kind of man who doesn’t go to the doctor. He was raised that men are tough and don’t ever get sick. So, going to the eye doctor feels like it’s against his identity as a man.
As the old Melissa I never completed tasks that I started because I identified as the kind of woman who never finished tasks that she started. I would fold laundry and leave a couple of socks at the bottom of the basket. For a long time, I thought I was punishing myself and not allowing myself to feel the reward of accomplishment. But now that I know a lot more, when I look back on it, it was just how I thought of myself at the time. To actually finish something would feel weird and I didn’t want to break that cycle so I never finished anything. But I hated it and I complained about it a lot.
It’s really funny how we get ideas in our heads. We don’t really understand how they got there, but to our brain they make sense. Like Mr. Ronda never going to the doctor and me never finishing the things that I started.
And perhaps you identify so strongly as someone who doesn’t achieve your goals that you don’t allow yourself to achieve your goals because it would be an inner conflict.
Yep. Maybe it is just that easy.
I’m not suggesting you don’t need other thought management tools. And I’m not suggesting that there isn’t neuroscience backed habit forming practices that you can implement. And I’m certainly not saying that full commitment, having support and deciding to change isn’t part of the process. But I am saying that whoever you are right now, you identify as her. That’s how you’re showing up in the world. You’re making your world match the woman you identify as. So, if you’re not happy with the way your life is right now, you want to inspect your identity and decide who it is that you want to be.
Here’s a couple tips to get you started today.
Take the Bad Bitch Archetype quiz. You will learn a lot about yourself and what makes you tick. For example, I’m the kind of woman who wants to help other people and make an impact on the world. You might be the kind of woman who wants to connect and love on other people and you’re more of the romantic type. This quiz will show you what’s important to you and give you answers about why you operate the way you do.
Write some affirmations. Think about if you were to go to bed at night after having the best day ever. What would you say? What would that look like? Would it be something like…
I didn’t drink wine all day.
I got my workout in when I wanted.
I didn’t mindlessly eat at night.
I feel good about standing up for myself.
What needs to happen during the day for you to feel good about yourself when you go to bed at night? Once you have those answers, you can create affirmations. Think about it this way, we have all of these thoughts in our head and deeper than that, our identify. To change, you need to start thinking like the kind of woman you want to be. Create affirmations that are aligned with that and write them in your journal three times every morning. Maybe set an alarm on your phone to remind you. Picking up a pen and writing your affirmations is very helpful. Writing it means you are taking the action. Affirmations are like bicep curls. You have to do them consistently or they don’t work! Don’t think you can just write it once and get the benefits. Writing them consistently and implementing them throughout the day will help you start to identify as the kind of woman you want to be.
Share your affirmations in the comments!
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