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Finding Yourself

Let’s chat about finding yourself!  If you feel like you’re not entirely sure of your identity, but who you currently are doesn’t feel authentic, then you’re in the right place.  I have some thoughts on finding yourself versus creating yourself.  I’m of the belief that both happen.  We all have innate abilities that we’re born with, but somewhere along the line we fall into the trap of playing pretend about who we think we’re supposed to be. 

Are you the good girl?  That’s actually how the Bad Bitches Losing Weight podcast started.  I wanted to be the good girl, but I never could.  I didn’t get approval which led to some unhealthy choices and I became a very bad girl.  We play out characters of who we think we’re supposed to be. What does it mean to be a mom? What does it mean to be a wife? What does it mean to be an employee?

Yes, we have natural talents that we’re born with or learn early in life.  But, I believe, we get to be whoever we want to be. If we hang around certain people, we become like those people.  So, can’t we just decide who we want to be around, the thoughts we want to have, what that looks like and become that person?  I think it’s a little bit of both.

Start thinking about the inner you.  Who were you when you were younger?  I’m talking six or seven years old.  What did people say about you?  Were you spunky?  A troublemaker?  Did you get in trouble for talking in class?  These traits are who you were before somebody told you it was wrong. 

Let’s figure out who you were and who you want to be so we can put it all together and create the change you want to see in your life. 

You may find that you’re attaching yourself to other people.  It may be an actress, a YouTuber, an Instagram influencer.  You think they’re really cool and you like their vibe.  You may not be entirely sure who you are, but you start to take on some of the characteristics and traits of that person.  You like them and want to be seen the way they are, so you start to behave like them.  But here’s the thing, that probably feels out of alignment for you, like you’re putting on a costume.  Because that’s not who you are.

This is quite common in adults, but even more common in adolescence.   Think about high school cliques.  You most likely identified with some sort of clique.  I was an angsty, goth chic in high school!  You probably tried on identities like costumes when you were a teenager.  If that didn’t stick in a beneficial way that helped you become the person you wanted to be or if you were heavily influenced by what other people wanted you to do, you may find that you don’t really know who you are.

There are also many other reasons we may want to reinvent who we are.  It could be a big life change.  Many women that I work with have kids going off to college and they’re realizing they don’t know what they’re going to do with their time.  There are lots of opportunities for us to find ourselves. 

I feel that identity is fluid.  There are some core things about you that you’ll bring with you throughout your life.  Think about how Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Madonna all have their thing.  Madonna is super sexy.  Lady Gaga is artsy. And Katy Perry is kind of campy. But each album they create has a different tone to it- the outfits, the songs, the sound. 

Just like them, you can decide at any given moment that you want to be a little bit different or a little extra.

You may be having a hard time figuring out your identity.  Do you feel a little vanilla?  Or that you don’t stand out in any way?  I want you to know that feeling is totally normal.  You’re not vanilla.  You’re amazing!  You just need to learn to pull out the special things about you. 

Maybe you went off to college or got a good job or became a mom because that’s what you thought you were supposed to do, and you never really questioned it.  The problem is now that you’re older, you may be feeling like you’re meant for so much more.  Maybe you feel like something is missing? Do you feel like you’re unique and special, but it’s not being showcased in your current life? We all have a higher purpose, but we get so busy playing pretend, trying to make other people happy, that we can’t figure out what it is we really want.

it's time to changeThis is where the pain comes in.  The pain and unhappiness are your body and mind trying to tell you that you need to change, and something is missing!  Once you notice that you aren’t sure who you are anymore, you may try on other people’s identities to see if it fits.  But it doesn’t fit because you’re unique in who you are.

But there is a way to figure out who you truly are!  The first step is being aware of who you aren’t.  Usually you are the opposite of those things.  Start by asking, what do I know that I’m not? 

The next step is to take a quiz I have for you that asks about what you like in order to unlock some incredibly unique things about you.  Your results will tell you your archetype.  Once you take this quiz, you’ll have a better understanding of what’s important to you, your core qualities, and the dark side of your qualities.  Let’s say you’re a hard worker, you’re also more likely to work too much and get exhausted.  Every great quality about you can have a negative one.  Once you know your archetype, you’ll have direction about what excites you and makes you tick.  Then you can start to figure out your identity.

I’m going to get personal and share something embarrassing with you to help you understand how important this is.  I’ve been running my business for seven years and I, just like everyone else, have tried on different personalities and characters that I thought I was supposed to be.  I wasn’t sure who I was, but I had some core values.  I wanted to be honest, raw and have integrity.  I’ve always been myself on the podcast and embodied those values, but I wasn’t always sure how I wanted to express that visually.  When I thought about real and raw, I thought about healthy vegetables and whole ingredients.

When I had a photo shoot done to visually promote my values, I ended up trying to be somebody that I wasn’t.  That’s why it’s so embarrassing for me now!  The first photo is from back then when I was trying on a costume. The second photo is me from a recent photo shoot, standing in full integrity of who I really am.

old melissa vs new melissa

I’m sharing these with you because I want you to know you aren’t alone if you’ve found yourself trying on other people’s identities to figure out who you were.   You may have seen with some multi-level marketing companies very specific costumes that the women who participate wear.  For example, hats, drinking out of big tumblers, wearing sundresses and a certain Instagram filter.  They all look like each other because, just like in adolescence, it’s a clique. 

People want to identify with something, and they don’t want to be different.  But the different people are the ones who actually change the world

The character archetype quiz is going to give you the confidence that you need to bring out your differences and understand who you are.

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