I have a client who keeps telling herself the story that every time she does a diet, she gets bored and quits after about thirty days. When she tells me this story, she says it as a current fact, “This is what I do.” Many of you probably tell yourself a similar story. But what I want you to understand is that you are creating this reality.
I want to explain manifestation so you can understand how our thoughts create the experience we’re having in the world. Let’s say you decide, really decide, that you want a black BMW as soon as you pay off your student loans. When you make that kind of decision, the next thing you know, you see black BMWs everywhere. It’s like they’re stalking you. I’m sure you’ve had your own experience with something like this.
There’s a bundle of nerves in our brain stem called RAS. I’m not going to dive into all of the scientific details, but it filters information to determine what’s relevant and what isn’t necessary. Imagine RAS as this filter that’s showing you only the things that you decide because you deem it important. This is manifestation- knowing that information and taking it and pointing it at exactly what you want. If you do manifestation practices which sound kind of woo woo, but are actually science-based, you are calling in the important information for your brain to focus on. That’s why you see black BMWs everywhere once you decide you want one.
But today I want to focus on the dark side of manifestation. The manifestation that you don’t even realize you’re doing, but it’s creating your reality.
The thoughts we have in our head create the way we feel. Those feelings create the way that we act. Our actions create the results that we have. In other words, you’re going to get the exact result that you thought you would because you really are a fortune teller.
Fortune Teller Thought #1: I fail at every diet.
I’m sure a lot of you have this thought. I used to have this thought for years and years and years. And guess what happened? Every time I would do a diet, I would fail. Then I’d tell myself, “I knew it! I fail at every diet I do.” When in reality, the diet felt difficult so I called in the bullshit story that I liked to tell myself so that I could quit doing the diet. So, if you keep telling yourself that you fail at diets, guess what baby, you’re going to fail.
Fortune Teller Thought #2: Why does this always happen to me?
Or in Bad Bitch lingo, “Fuck my life!” I used to say FML all of the time. This thought is common in people who’ve had a traumatic upbringing, although anyone can have these thoughts. It’s the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even when things are going really well you think that it can’t last and something bad is bound to happen. This is a twisted protection mechanism that we have because we assume the good can’t last and we want to stay light on our feet and be prepared. But here’s the thing, shit is always happening and you’re more likely to make a bigger deal out of the “bad” when it meets your agenda. If you didn’t have the “why does this always happen to me?” thoughts, you wouldn’t internalize the bumps in the road. Instead you would work to find solutions to your problems and stop using them to further the belief that your life sucks.
Fortune Teller Thought #3: Every time I decide I want something this is what happens.
I hear a lot of moms say, “every time I want to do something for myself one of the kids gets sick or something else happens and it can never be about me.” But if that wasn’t the story you told yourself, you could find a solution to this problem. Sure, something may come up that you need to handle, but it wouldn’t be the reason that you can’t have the thing that you want. Let’s say you decide you’re going to start going to a fitness class and your son comes down with the flu. The next thing you know you’re telling yourself, “I might as well just stay home. I never get to do what I want.” It becomes a really good story to tell yourself as the reason you’re not doing what you want. In reality, you could have missed just that one class or had someone help you.
There are always solutions when you have the right mentality and what we call an internal locus of control. Meaning you are the one responsible for your experience in life. An external locus of control is being a victim, blaming other people, telling other people they have to change without you having a part in it. Personal responsibility is everything.
I live my life with the belief that it is so much easier for me to modify my behavior than it is to modify the behaviors of other people around me.
Instead of telling others what they should or shouldn’t do, I just modify my response or choose whether or not to be around those people. I create my own reality that I want to live instead of waiting for other people to change. More on that another day!
Fortune Teller Thought #4: Why does something always have to come up?
This is really an extension of #3. Something is always going to come up. It’s called life! What you’re really saying is, “why isn’t this easy?” or “why isn’t this going exactly how I’ve planned?” I’ve got news for you.
Successful people are really good at failing and they fail all of the time.
You fail until you succeed. But the thought that things should always be smooth sailing is really an immature thought and we don’t always recognize that we’re thinking that way. Something IS always going to come up. That’s how we learn. The best way that I learn is to just do stuff. Then I see what went right, what went wrong and what I can do better next time.
A quick tip is to say, “yes and” instead of “yes but”. If you’re telling yourself the story of “I knew this would happen!” Follow that up with, “yes and what is the solution to this problem?”
Fortune Teller Thought #5: What’s the point now?
This is a big one when you have a binge or make some unhealthy choices. There’s a perception that all of the work that you’ve already put in is null and void once you’ve made one mistake. The thought I want to offer you today is that you can move on from your mistake and learn from it. As I said before, you have to get good at failing. I would argue that overcoming mistakes makes you stronger anyway. And we’ve already determined that expecting smooth sailing is an immature thought so why not look at your mistake and discover what you learned you need to do differently. Now you get to scrape yourself up and move on. That way you’re learning the skill of moving on with the information you’ve retained from the mistakes that you made. That’s really the flip that needs to happen in your brain. Telling yourself there’s no point in trying after a mistake is ridiculous. Instead ask, “why isn’t there a point?”
Fortune Teller Thought #6: I knew I wasn’t going to be good at this.
Since when do you just pick up a violin and start playing it? So why are you so critical of yourself when you’re not good at the first fitness program that you’ve tried after months and months of not working out. You’re not going to be as good as the instructor who’s been doing it every day. And really, what’s the alternative? Not work out at all because you weren’t good the first time? People have the belief that they don’t want to do the work for nothing. But you have to do all of the work to get something out of it! The only way you won’t get anything out of it is if you quit!
Fortune Teller Thought #7: I can’t do this.
Really babe, I get it. Because in those moments you truly believe that you can’t do it. And if you want to have that thought for a second, that’s ok. But then you need to quickly come out of it and tell yourself, yes you can. Maybe what you need is more information or more support.
When you say you can’t do something, you’re determining that there is no solution available. There are always solutions to your problems.
When you feel like you can’t, ask yourself what you can do or obtain so you can believe you can.
For example, if your thought is that you can’t do this because you feel very alone, and you don’t know what you’re doing. Then your solution might be to hire someone to support you, or to spend some time researching, or pick up a couple of books to read about your situation. That could give you more information and resources so that you believe you can. Maybe the thought is really that you can’t do it alone. Ask yourself what needs to happen so that you feel like you can do it. With most things in life you can’t do it alone.
I started my business and didn’t research anything. I started my podcast and didn’t research anything. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I’ve still been able to maintain myself and my authenticity because I didn’t allow myself to be molded by other people. But I will also say that I learned many lessons the hard way, doubled some costs and took twice as long because I had a do it myself mentality. Often this do it yourself mentality is about the pride in yourself that you can do or figure out anything, solve any problem. That’s awesome, but I offer you the thought, “but why?” No one is going to give you an award on your deathbed for doing things the hardest way possible. There are solutions and there are people that have come before you that have solutions to the problems you don’t even know you have yet.
Bad Bitch Starter Kit
If you woke up this morning thinking that something was going to happen today to change the course of the rest of your life- you were so right! Today the doors to the Bad Bitch Starter Kit are open! I had to create this program for you because I’ve seen so many of you who are really loving the podcast and blog and are getting great results but are kind of just stabbing at the other stuff. You have to think that if this is what I’m sharing on the podcast and blog, imagine what I reserve for my clients! All of that guesswork on your part is what is making the process longer and it doesn’t need to be. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in and this is what the Bad Bitch Starter Kit is all about. It’s a 10-week program that I’m running LIVE. If you’re interested, now is the time, because you get to do it real-time with me. Enrollment is limited so reserve your spot now!