The thing that you can’t get over is the exact thing that’s standing in the way of you becoming who it is that you desire. It might look like getting into a fight with your spouse and then bringing up the same fight from a million years ago over and over again. You do this because it’s something that you have a hard time getting past and it’s holding you back from who it is that you’re designed to be.
I know, for me, something I had a hard time getting over was the way that I was treated when I was younger, specifically by my mother who is a narcissist. Now, I can process it and be okay with it. But for a very long time, I was really hung up on the idea that I didn’t get the things that I was entitled to. I do believe that everyone is entitled to be treated well by their parents. The idea of having “normal” parents gets a little gray, but everyone is entitled to parents who do the things necessary to raise healthy children to the best of their abilities. But that’s really the key isn’t it? To the best of their ability. I do believe that my mother did not have the ability to raise me the way I felt entitled to.
I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I have learned that I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t gone through what I went through. Once I was able to find purpose in the pain, I was able to move on. Think about the thing that you have a hard time getting over. It may be a fight with your spouse, maybe it was the way you were raised, maybe something happened to you when you were younger. We all have a story of the one thing that happened to us or that we identify as something that people would know about us. It’s the story you keep repeating over and over again.
Before I keep going, I want to point out that I may talk about things that are not blanket statements about everyone. I see all over the internet people taking issue with so-called blanket statements so I want to address it. For example, it’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Rachel Hollis because she has intentionally aligned herself with multi-level marketing companies which I believe are very predatory and there isn’t much authenticity. But the girl has a great business! I’ve only read Girl, Wash Your Face, but in it she talks about the way that she grew up and mental illness. In book reviews people took issue with her “blanket statements”. But here’s the thing, Rachel knows who her ideal client or reader is so when she’s speaking through her book, she’s not writing to every person who ever existed, to people with mental illness, or to people who grew up with a rough life. She’s writing to her ideal reader.
That’s really important to remember when you’re absorbing information on the internet. So, when I speak about getting over something, I want you to understand that this is not meant for people who have been traumatized. This is not meant for people who have PTSD or someone who was raped. That kind of trauma is something you want to make sure you are dealing with by speaking personally to a medical professional.
So, when I refer to getting over something, I’m talking about when your husband did something you didn’t like or you wish that something was different about how you grew up or you wish the company you worked for didn’t go under causing you to be unemployed for months. Think about your own stories you can’t get over and feel into if any of this resonates with you.
There are four main reasons you can’t get over something.
Reason #1: It allows you to have the upper hand.
Let’s say your husband did something years ago and it really, really bothers you. Maybe you haven’t processed it and dug through all of the emotions required to come to a resolution that you can feel peaceful about. But more likely, it’s a pattern you’re in because you’re benefitting from it. If you always have something you can use to point the finger at someone else, you may benefit from placing the blame on them.
You have to find a purpose for the pain in order to process it and move on.
Any time you go through something painful and have thoughts that you went through it for no reason other than suffering, of course you’re going to feel like a victim and have a hard time getting over it. Conversely, if you go through something and it was painful, but you learned something from it, it becomes something that had a point.
Reason #2: “I will never forget this.”
As I said earlier, I had a very difficult time getting over how I was treated by my mom. That’s because the anger made me feel like I was protected. Every time I let her back into my life she would just continue to hurt me so I thought if I stayed angry then I stayed protected from her. But all good coaches get coached and my coach worked me through all of the feelings I was having about my mom. Through the coaching, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need to be angry in order to stay safe from my mom.
Being angry was only continuing to hurt me.
Yes, my mom hurt me many, many times years ago, but I was the one who was continuing to hurt myself because she wasn’t still in my life.
If you’re in a situation where you’re angry and harboring resentment because you never want to forget what happened, it’s time to uncover another way to look at the situation. It doesn’t make what happened to you right or let someone off the hook, but it allows you to live a life that isn’t weighed down with resentment for someone that hurt you many years ago.
Reason #3: You feel trapped.
You want to leave the situation, but you feel like you can’t so yelling about it makes you feel like you’re more in control. When I think about this kind of woman, she reminds me of a bear with her paw caught in a trap. Maybe it’s a relationship or a career, but she’s harboring a lot of resentment and feels miserable. She feels like she doesn’t have any options so she’s lashing out at anybody and everybody because she feels trapped.
Sometimes we don’t get over it because the situation is trying to tell us something. Maybe there’s something that we need to change, acknowledge or do. Maybe you don’t want to be okay with it because if you’re okay with it you’re being complacent. And you don’t want to be complacent because you’re very unhappy with the situation. So, you stay angry to indicate that you’re not giving in.
Reason #4: You’re angry at yourself.
I was also very angry at myself in many different areas for many years. I was placing the blame on other people, but really, I felt violated, duped and stupid for getting into and staying in bad situations. Often, we’re angry at ourselves because we’re embarrassed.
Forgiving others might mean you need to forgive yourself too. Maybe you can’t get over the situation because if you forgive other people the only person left to blame is yourself. So, you stay angry at other people so you don’t have to blame yourself and the vicious cycle continues.
Be nice to yourself. We all mistakes and these are opportunities to learn. Anything that you’ve been through, you’ve learned from it. Any time I screw up, I ask myself, “what is one takeaway?”. Once we find purpose to the pain, we can take what we need from it and throw the rest in the trash.
Finding purpose for the pain is absolutely mandatory for you to transform your life. It’s also the exact thing from holding so many women back from changing their life. You’ve got to process it, find the benefit and move on.
“Change is the law of life and those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”
-John F. Kennedy
Does any of this sound like you? If so, here are some questions you can ask yourself or use as journaling prompts to help you dig into what it is that you can’t get over and what you want to do about it.
- What does this experience have to teach you?
- What lessons can you take with you?
- What do you really want?
- How can you take responsibility for that?